You Say “schmetiquette.” The Brits say “etiquette.” (Uhh, here’s how to be like the Brits.)

Want to be royally ready for the wedding? No need for a tutor. Here is ALL you need to know!

(Grand)Mother, May I?

If you’re a British prince and your granny is the Queen of England then not only do you need to ask for the bride’s hand from her father, but you also must get a full-throated “Yes, you may” from “Gan Gan” as she was called when the toddler prince was learning names. PS. Will and Kate’s kids call her “Gan Gan” too. And, once, as a child, when Wills fell down, he yelled for help from “Gary” which was his early name for Granny, aka Queen Liz. (Adorbz!)

Ease-in Greetings

Here’s how to say “Hey, Que-eeen!” but also avoid the “off with their heads” part.

For the Women: Courtesy Curtsey

How should a lady greet the Queen? Simple dimple. In the receiving line, when you arrive in front of the Queen, give a small, dignified curtsey. Right ankle and leg goes behind left ankle and calf, left knee lowers slightly to the floor (think of it as a “curtsey squat” like the kind you rock in your gym class, but without the sweat). Dip your eyelids down and then rise up slowly and behold the moment! Right on, woman!

For the men: Grab Your Coat and Grab Your Hat. Check. Now what?

If you’re a guy, here’s how to address the Queen in the receiving line. Ready? You’re up next. Give a swift bow of the head (g’head, give it a try now). And note, it’s not a bow from the waist, okay? Just a solid nod of the head. Try it again, keeping it brief but regal. (PS. When the Queen leaves the area, give a second solid bow of the head.) Quite good!

Helpful Hint: The Queen has a strict “no hugging” policy. OK? Now ya know.

Going Stag

Here in the U.S., we throw bachelor or bachelorette parties. The Brits do something similar, but they call them “the stag do” or “the hen party.” As you probably guessed, a stag do is for the guys, while the ladies are the hens.

In recent years the stag do has morphed from a one-night celebration to an extended long weekend soiree. Harry threw brother Wills a stag do at a country estate!

Hen parties weren’t a “thing” until around 1960 when British brides started to whoop it up like the men. The Duchess of Cambridge kept her hen party on the DL, having a quiet affair at the home of a friend. MM stayed pretty private about her hen, too, but rumor has it there was a day of pampering at a luxury spa with several close friends.

Get Decked!

Were you lucky enough to snag an invitation to the royal shindig? Then get ready to fluff up your Sunday best. Weddings in the U.K. are traditionally far more formal than in the U.S. If only there were a “User’s Manual.” Guess what? There IS!

For the April 2011 wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Buckingham Palace distributed a 22-page list of dos and don’ts. And, Harry and Meghan’s wedding invitation outright states the dress code (at least for men): military uniform, morning coat (a single-breasted coat with tails) or a lounge suit (that’s a business suit for you Yanks).

And one of the fanciest and most fanciful traditions for the ladies still holds: hats in church. As always, it is an unspoken but cut-throat sport between those with royal wedding invitations to arrive with headgear so haute it would make Lady Gaga’s jaw drop. But do it right. The line between respect and ridicule is razor thin. Case in point: Remember the staggering cranial cap that Princess Beatrice wore to Will and Kate’s wedding? The horrific hood ornament? ‘Nufsaid.

Anti-Social Media

Let’s cover a few tech basics for the Big Day, which will keep you looking smarter than your phone (a surprisingly difficult thing for some):

1. Needless to say, turn OFF your cell phone.
2. Do not snap cell phone photos of the Queen OR the bride as she passes by –– or anyone else for that matter.
3. Don’t be like Ellie Winter’s mom and grab a royal selfie. Just so no. (Read about this embarrassing moment in Chapter 4 of “Royals.”)
4. Do not update your Facebook status. Not coo’!
5. And three final words: Do Not Tweet!

Is This Seat Taken?

Being a friend of the groom or the bride usually dictates where you sit, but when it comes to the royal family, being royal overrules friendship. The royal family usually sits on the right-side of the church, but if the groom is not royal, then they will sit on the left. Right?

The Wedding Bouquet

This is REALLY sweet: In 1840, when Queen Victoria tied the knot with Prince Albert, she carried a sprig of myrtle in her wedding bouquet. After the wedding, she commemorated the happy day by planting a myrtle shrub at her home in Osborn. This began a royal tradition that is still alive today, with every British royal bride carrying flowers that include a sprig from that very same myrtle shrub.

By the way, there will be no tossing the bouquet to all the single ladies. The late Queen Mum started another tradition, leaving the bouquet in Westminster Abbey at the grave of the Unknown Warrior, to honor those in military service.

No Pumpkin Coach Here

Arriving in style is certainly part of the royal wedding etiquette traditions:

In 1982, Diana arrived in an 1881 Glass Coach purchased for George V’s coronation in 1911.

Duchess Kate pulled up at Westminster Abbey in the Queen’s Rolls Royce Phantom, which had large windows so the crowds could view her and her dad.

After the ceremony, Kate and Will took off in the same carriage that transported his parents, Charles and Diana, a 1902 State Landau originally made for the coronation of Edward VII.

A third car was used for their final departure: a sweet Aston Martin decorated with ribbons, bows, balloons, and a license plate printed with the phrase “JUST WED.”

What will the wedding vehicles of choice be for H&M? (You can be sure Alex will be paying attention.)

Not Another Crock Pot!

What do you give the royal couple that has everything? Chances are low that they’ve got a Crate and Barrel registry. But dilemmmm! You can’t go empty-handed. Guess what? You’re in luck. Harry and Meghan are quietly requesting, in lieu of wedding gifts, that a charitable donation be made instead. Close to their hearts: The Invictus Games, Sentebale, and Head’s Together.

Read more about and get your copy of Royals here!